The Past That Haunts Us
by TarlsBlack
Summary: One Shot of Amanda.


**Hey guys, I know I should be working on No Doubt, but I had an urge the other night to write this. Forgiving Rollins didn't happen. As usual, if you recognize it, it's not mine. Enjoy!**

***I know the formatting before was a shit. I had actually written it on my phone and sent it to myself. I thought it would fix itself when I posted, but when I realised it hadn't, I had to go through the tedious task of fixing all the stupid formats. Sorry about that!***

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Rollins POV  
"Rollins! You got a visitor!" A uni yelled. The blonde detective looked up from the pile of paperwork on her desk to see a tall man standing behind the officer. She stood, not wanting the man to enter the squad room, and quickly made her way over. She thanked the uni and stood, staring at the man in front of her. She folded her arms in front of her and waited for him to say something.  
"Mandy, I'm sorry." He said.  
"Leave Leon." She said. She turned on her heel and walked back into the squad room, hoping he wouldn't follow her. She sat at her desk and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she glanced at the door and to her relief, he was gone. She breathed deeply and stood. She wanted to take some Panadol for her headache. She went to her locker and swallowed some. She knew she couldn't hide from him forever but at least here she was safe.

Fins POV  
Odafin Tutuola knew that what he had just witnessed had shaken his partner. She had actually gone and taken medicine, something she had never done at work before. He had seen the fear in her eyes when she went to talk to that man, but he didn't know the deal. And he didn't want to push. For he knew that if he pushed, she would shut down. He cared for his partner more than he would admit and as much as he wanted to know, he also knew that she would come to him if need be.

Rollins POV  
She scribbled on reports and typed on her computer for hours but her mind wasn't on the job. She was thinking about him, about Leon. She knew that he would push her. He would probably be at her apartment when she got home, so she decided to stay at work as long as possible.

The other guys made their way out, tossing casual goodbyes over their shoulders, but still Amanda worked. It was late, she knew, but she didn't want to leave.  
"See you tomorrow Manda." Fin said, stopping by her  
"Yeah bye." She replied. He left the squad room. She turned back to her work.  
"Rollins, go home." Captain Cragen said, walking past her desk.  
"Yeah course Cap. Soon as I'm done." She said. He stopped and leant on her desk.  
"It can wait Amanda." He said.  
"I'm behind on paperwork. I need to catch up." Her excuse was frail and he noticed.  
"You OK?" He asked. She nodded.  
"Yeah course." She said, looking up at him. He put his hand on her arm and she flinched and pulled away. He removed his hand.  
"You sure?" He asked gently. She nodded again, giving a small smile. He didn't buy it, but knew he had to let it go, "You can talk to me about anything," He said. He started walking away, "Goodbye Rollins." He said.  
"Bye." She called after him. She turned back to her paperwork, deciding she wasn't going anywhere for tonight.

"Fins POV  
He sat on his lounge. It was 2am and he couldn't sleep. He knew exactly why too. Amanda Rollins. That girl was troubling him. That guy had scared her. Fin surfed through some channels and found nothing that interested him. He turned the TV off, and grabbed his keys.

He knocked on the door. Once. Twice. Three times.  
"She didn't come home." An older woman came out of her apartment, the one across from Rollins' apartment.  
"OK. Thanks." Fin smiled at her and left.

Rollins POV  
"Why aren't you at home?" A voice asked. Amanda jumped and looked up.  
"Fin. You scared me."  
"Why aren't you at home?" He repeated.  
"I'm behind in paperwork. I need to catch up." She used the same excuse on him.  
"Yeah right," He said. He didn't believe her. He leant on the desk, "Rollins." He said. She looked at him.  
"Fin."  
"Talk to me man." He said.  
"Theres nothing to talk about," She said. He sat on a chair and pulled it close to the desk. He put his arm on hers and she flinched. She pulled away and stood, obviously wanting to get away from him. He stayed where he was and watched her. She clenched her fists and tried to control her breathing, but it was getting faster and shallower by the second. She leaned her back against the wall and closed her eyes. She breathed deeply a few times, and when her breathing was under control she pushed herself off the wall and walked back to Fin. She didn't sit down though.  
"Who is he?" Fin asked softly.  
"No-one," She replied, "It's late. You should get some sleep."  
"I'm not going anywhere Amanda." He said.  
"God Fin. Let it go!" She yelled. She walked away, clenching her fists again. She spun around to face him, "He's no-one!" He stood and walked towards her.  
"He's obviously someone." He said, stopping two or three steps away.  
"He's not." She whispered, all her anger gone. She went to her desk, gathering up her possessions and striding out of the squad room.

Fins POV  
He stood there, watching her back as she left. He knew that following her would make her angrier, so he sat in the chair again and saw that Rollins had left her computer on. He shut all the documents down and turned it off for her. He left the squad room and drove home. He surfed through channels for a while, and found something that he liked. He had a can of beer while he watched, but his mind was still on his partner.

Rollins POV  
After driving around the block for half an hour, she parked in the prencinct car park and went back inside. She turned her computer back on and sat back at her desk. She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes. She breathed deeply, and felt sick. She ran from the room and made it just in time. She threw up violently into the toilet. When she was done she flushed the toilet and brought her knees up to her chin. Hugging her legs, her whole body shaking, she let herself go. The hot tears streamed down her cheeks and she didn't bother wiping them away. She just let them come.

When the tears had finally subsided she stood and got some clothes and a towel from her locker. She went to a shower cubicle and spent ages in there, just standing under the hot water. When she was done, she got dressed and threw her clothes in a plastic bag and into her locker. She sat back at her desk and continued working. She checked the time. It was 4:30am. She knew she should get some sleep, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. So she kept working.

"You still here?" Olivia Benson asked Rollins as she sat at her desk.  
"Nah. Just came in early." Amanda lied.  
"Why?" Olivia asked.  
"Ah, couldn't sleep." She lied again.  
"I hear ya." Olivia chuckled. Amanda forced a laugh. Fin sat at his desk across from her and turned his computer on. She purposely looked away. Cragen came in and went to his office. Just before he closed the door he called Amanda in. She went into his office and he nodded to close the door.  
"What's up?" She asked.  
"Just wanted to check that you got home ok." He said.  
"I'm fine."  
"Amanda, you flinched when I touched your arm. You've never done that before," He said. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it, knowing there was nothing she could say to excuse to her behaviour, "And I know you didn't go home. I'm not stupid."  
"I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep." She said.  
"Why?" He asked, concern building on his face for his young detective.  
"No reason. Listen I have to get back to the paperwork, or its never going to be finished." She shut down and left the room. He sighed. He didn't know how to get through to her.

She sat at her desk, thinking about how great it would be to go to the casinos. To feel the thrill of a win. But she pushed the feeling away. She knew she couldn't. She'd get in more trouble with the department.  
"Amanda?" Fin asked. She looked up at him, "You OK?" She nodded quickly, too quickly he thought, "You sure?" He asked. She nodded, again too quickly. She stood and went to her locker. She grabbed some Panadols and swallowed them.

Fins POV  
He watched her down the Panadol and thought that it was odd. Two days in a row and she was taking medication. At work no less. He was confused, but knew that pushing her again like he did last night would make her isolate. And he needed her to open up. He walked to the Captains office and knocked.  
"Yeah?" He said. Fin walked in and closed the door, "Fin, what's up?"  
"Rollins."  
"What about her?" Cragen asked.  
"Shes just been..." He stopped, searching for the right word, "Weird since that guy came her yesterday morning."  
"What guy?"  
"I dunno who he was. He didn't come in the squad room. She spoke to him for all of ten seconds and then came back. She took some Panadol. She did it again today. She's never taken medicine at work. Ever."  
"Keep an eye on her. Nothing we can do till she opens up," Fin nodded and turned to leave, "Fin."  
"Yeah?" Fin turned to face him.  
"You don't think she could go back to gambling?" Cragen asked. Fin shrugged.  
"She might." He said, and with that, he turned and walked out

Rollins POV  
She leant against the sink in the bathroom and looked at herself as n the mirror. She swayed and couldn't hold herself up anymore, so she sat on the ground and did as she had the night. She brought her knees up to her chin, but this time she didn't cry. She just hugged her legs and thought.

"Amanda?" Amanda looked up. It was Olivia.  
"Hey." Amanda said. She didn't stand up.  
"You OK?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded, "So why are you on the floor?"  
"I was dizzy." She lied. Olivia sat on the floor next to her.  
"I know you're lying Amanda." Olivia gently touched her arm. Amanda flinched. Olivia pulled her hand away and put some space in between the two women.  
"I'm fine." Amanda said, changing tact. She wanted the older woman to leave her alone.  
"Amanda," She said gently, "You're not fine. I know you're not. Talk to me."  
"There's nothing to tell." Amanda stood and washed her face. She then left the older detective still sitting on the floor. She decided that a nap was in order so she went to the cribs and lay down on on the furthest bed from the door. She turned her back on the door and fell asleep quickly.

She felt her shoulder being shaken. She pulled away, her heart racing. She shot up, and backed away.  
"Dont hit me." She whimpered. Fin stepped forward.  
"I won't." He said.  
"Please don't. Don't hit me. No." She whimpered. She backed into the corner of the cribs and slid down the wall whimpering the same things over and over again. Fin spun on his heel and rushed into the squad room.

Fins POV  
He was worried about her. He raced into the squad room and stopped at Olivias desk.  
"Olivia. It's Rollins. She's just... She's not good." Fin turned and raced back to the cribs. Olivia followed him.  
When they got there, Amanda was still in the corner, whimpering the same things

Rollins POV  
Olivia got on her knees next to Amanda while Fin stood by the door, watching.  
"Don't hit me." Amanda said the same thing, over and over again.  
"I won't," Olivia said. She knew she shouldn't touch Amanda, "But someone did, didn't they?" Amanda didn't answer her question, but continued her chant, "Amanda. You're safe now. No-one can hurt you. No-one will hurt you here."  
"Don't!" Amanda cried out. The outburst was enough for Nick and Cragen to walk in.  
"Fin, what's going on?" Cragen whispered. He had enough common sense to know to be as quiet as possible.  
"I tried to wake her up and she just went nuts. She's been saying 'Don't hit me.' I don't know what she's talking about," He said, "I figured Liv could calm her down. She seemed terrified of me."  
"What happened to this girl?" Cragen asked, to no-one in particular. Nick just stood staring at the scene in front of him.  
"Amanda, nobodys going to hurt you. You're OK. You're safe." Olivia said. Amanda started rocking, backwards and forwards. She continued saying the same things over and over. Olivia repeated what she had said and she put her hand on Amanda's arm. This time Amanda didn't flinch. She stopped rocking and stopped repeating what she had been.  
"Liv?" She asked, "What happened?"  
"You OK?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded.  
"I'm fine."  
"Good. You wanna get up?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded and Olivia helped her up. Olivia let Amanda sit on one of the beds and Olivia knelt in front of Amanda, "What happened to you?" Olivia asked quietly. Amanda shook her head.  
"Nothing." Amanda said. Olivia sighed and looked up. Cragen shook his head. Olivia stood and went to the door. Olivia, Fin and Amaro left the room. Cragen walked over to Amanda. He sat next to her. She didn't turn to face him and he watched her.  
"Amanda. I need you to talk to me." He said softly.  
"About what?" She asked. She looked at him, her eyes glistening with tears.  
"Whatever caused this." He said.  
"Caused what?" She asked.  
"Fin touched you to wake you up and you went a bit crazy. You kept saying 'Don't hit me'. Fin had to get Olivia to calm you down. So I'm asking you to talk to me."  
"There's nothing to talk about." She said. She quickly wiped a tear away, hoping that he hadn't noticed, but he had.  
"I know there is." He said softly. She shook her head and stood up.  
"What did Fin want me for?" She asked.  
"Break in a case." He said, knowing nothing would make her open up.  
"Which one?" She asked.  
"Luke Harmon. The child abuse case." He said. Amanda started walking out the door and Cragen followed.

"What's the break?" She asked Fin.  
"We have a witness. A nanny saw the father hit Luke. More than once. And harder than a 'bad boy' smack on the bum."  
"She credible?"  
"Very. She's a really good person. She's never even had a parking ticket."  
"She willing to testify?"  
"She said she will." He nodded.  
"That's good. Case closed." She said.  
"Yeah pretty much," He said, "You OK?" He asked. She scoffed.  
"Why does everyone want to know how I am?" She asked.  
"Because we care." He said.  
"Yeah well I'm sick of everyone 'caring'." She said, using finger quotes for the last word.  
"Why?" He asked.  
"Because there's nothing wrong with me. Nothing!" She screamed the last word out. The whole room looked at her. She strode out of the squad room and got a packet of chips from the vending machine.  
"Mandy."  
"Leon go away." She said.  
"I'm sorry Mandy." He said.  
"Leon go away," She repeated. He grabbed her arm and she tried to shake him off, but he was too strong, "Leon, get off me."  
"Mandy I just want to talk." He said.  
"Get off me." She said. He held on.  
"She said get off!" Someone yelled. Leon let go and walked away. Amanda froze, "You OK?" Nick Amaro asked. She nodded. He touched her arm and she flinched.  
"Sorry." She said.  
"It's OK. You sure you're alright?" He asked. She nodded again.  
"Yeah. He's an ass."  
"Who is he?" He asked.  
"Nobody special."  
"You sure?" He pushed a little bit.  
"He's an ex."  
"Ended badly?"  
"Wanna grab a coffee?" She asked. He nodded. They wandered down the street to a small cafe and ordered coffee.

"Amanda traced the rim of her coffee with her finger. Nick waited patiently for her to speak.  
"Leon and I met while I was walking Frannie in a park back home. He had the cutest little dog. He took me on a few dates. Wooed me. After a year we were engaged. A few months later I was pregnant. He didn't want it. He forced me to abort it. I begged him not to make me That's when he hit me. He hit me every night until I gave in. Once I did, it just got worse. I feared for my life. He would come home in a blind rage and hit me or kick me. Sometimes he'd use a baseball bat or a whip he hung on the bathroom door. He'd make me strip and he'd tell me how many lashes I deserved tonight as punishment for some made up wrongdoing. Then he'd count them out. Slowly. He'd leave me a big bleeding, crying mess on the floor and he'd go to bed. And I had to clean myself up. I slept on my stomach for a year. Then one day at work my Captain found out. A female colleague had seen me in the bathroom applying cream to my welts. That's when I transferred up here. I broke off the engagement and put out an AVO against him. But no piece of papers gunna stop him."  
"So he's in violation?" Nick asked after a moment. She nodded. She wiped a tear away.  
"And he'll go to great lengths to get to me."


End file.
